Mental Health, Mental Illnesses, Philosophy, Writing

Positive Pressure?

I have been pondering on this topic for a few days now. Doing a bit of research and what not. 

I think there is a new pressure added to society and that is being POSITIVE. First of all, it is great to be positive, but it is also normal to be negative and some people are actually born with predisposition to having negative neuro pathways.

Body Positive and self love are great things, but it has also become a problem. Being positive all the time is unhealthy in my opinion. Not everything can be positive or have something about it that is positive. 

On instagram, there is so much FAKE positivity. If you are always “positive”… you are lying to some extent. It gets to the point where people make being sad, Positive! There is NOTHING positive about feeling depressed or suicidal. And if you put a post up telling the truth and admitting the negatives, you are just told to “be positive”. 

Being positive will NOT fix everything. Looking for the positives in a shitty situation is great if you can do it. But sometimes you need to pull your head out of la la land and face the facts. Some things are NEGATIVE and there is and never will be a positive side. 

People get shamed for being negative. Someone posted a picture of their body and said how much they hate it. Some comments were, “don’t complain.” Yeah that’s fucking helpful.

 “Just find what you like and focus on that.” If I could find something I liked why would I be telling you I hate everything about my body. Cheers for the tip.

“You don’t need to hate your body, love yourself.” I am aware I don’t NEED to. If I could just stop, I would. 

“Stay positive!”

People only put negative posts like that to reach out for understanding, not to be told to be positive. It is HEALTHY to be sad sometimes. 

It sounds so stupid when people say stuff like, “cried for hours until I cried myself to sleep. At least I slept for two hours though #staypositive.” 

There is nothing good about crying for hours wanting to die, then crying yourself to sleep to only sleep for two hours. You are ALLOWED to say that is shit and your night fucking sucked without having to find anything positive about it.

Another example would be, “just self harmed again, but it wasn’t deep so that’s good.” No it is not good. There is nothing positive about selfharm. Just because it wasn’t deep doesn’t make the situation any better. You had to feel so low and awful to get to the frame of mind, which is… NOT POSITIVE! 

My suggestion would be to watch the kids movie “inside out.” It is a great representation of why being sad sometimes is good and healthy for a brain and how it makes other emotions fall into place. Humans need to cry and be sad to become strong enough to pick themselves back up and smile because the sadness has past so there is a pathway to feeling better and/or happy.

– Amy xx

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hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Schizoaffective 

Re diagnosed as having Schizoaffective disorder. It is a mix of some form of schizophrenia and mood disorders. So it’s like a clusterfuck of shit bits everywhere in every fucking direction and I researched it and NO WONDER I’m not getting better. I was being treated for Paranoid Schizophrenia and BPD. I’m now going into a planned admission for a long while around 2 months long. I need my medications tampered with. I’m starting with lowering the anti depressant because it does absolutely jack diddly squat for anxiety or depression and I have to come off my anti psychotic because it’s used my general psychoses and psychotic symptoms and it’s a run of the mill kinda one not really specified to any particular illness just general symptoms of psychosis. 

160mg of Ziprasidone a day (one 80mg tablet morning and night)

100mg of Prestique (one tablet in the morning) 

1800mg of Lithium (two 450mg tablets morningand night)

1mg benztropine (one tablet at night)

100mg of Seroquel (one tablet at night)

Also looking at going back of Largactil for sleep instead of seroquel. Perhaps temazepam. Not sure yet. One step at a time. Also the replacement antipsychotic will be Clozapine most likely. I have a list of tablets I actually haven’t tried and need to give it to the doctor and decide which to try. 

Tomorrow I set the date when I go in. Nervous as hell.

Also the Australian in me is strong as you can probably tell haha.

– Amy xx

P.s. what medications are you guys on if you are and what dose and what for? Curious is all 🙂 

Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

5 degrees of Recovery

I personally put together the five stages in which my recovery has and will go through. Not sure about anybody else but this is my theory of recovering in stages. 
Stage one is flailing and reaching breaking point, a hypothetical self destruct button that your brain pushes when things are overwhelming. I think a lot of people have this self destruct button for when things get overwhelming. It pushes itself and we blow up and do anything to cope with the pieces that go missing and can’t be retrieved.
Stage two is finding the pieces and accepting some are so lost you will never get them back. Picking yourself up. The only way to go from rock bottom, is up.
Stage three would be finding good pieces that might not be the same but they will do the trick to replace the holes missing. You will never be the same, but you have to work with it. Medication at this point would be a good aid.
Stage four would be starting to fix and glue yourself and putting all the parts back together. This is where all the therapy to work with medication to eventually function without the meds.
The last stage is self love and acceptance. You might never be the same but you fixed yourself the best you can, better than anyone else could and you accept that and be bloody proud because god dammit it was hard to get to that stage.


I’m at stage four. It took me 5 years to get here. And no one can tell you when you move from stage four to five. It just sort of happens I assume and one day I will look back and see when it happened and I’m gonna work hard to get there 🙂

Where do you lovely readers think you are? In which stage do you think? Curious to read your perspective and opinions 🙂 
-Amy x

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Good? Yeah, nah. 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My anxiety is going through the roof. My panic attacks are getting more intense and harder to get out of. 

My eating disorder is re emerging. I’m starting a fruit and vegetable diet. Strictly healthy, mostly 0 calorie foods. Even if they have calories max has to be 100 per item, maybe some yogurt, max 150 cal per yogurt though. And im going to buy a sports bra because my boobs are way too big to run without one haha. But I will lose weight and I will be happy with my body no matter what it takes. I get really anxious having to eat junk food in front of people. The odd junk meal here and there is acceptable, any more and I might have to start purging again. And anything more that a 1000 cal intake I have to burn off. I am sick of being fat. I’ve got 15kgs to lose to even accept my body as “normal”. I am realistically aiming for 5kgs a month. That’s with running 2 times a day and toning exercises. I will get my skinny body back, I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. 

I start next week, I have already eaten and drank so much junk. And I don’t have a sports bra yet and good running shoes. 

-Amy xx

This is me currently. I still have my baby pouch and this just disgusts me

Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Body Positive #2

Being body positive isn’t necessarily about your tummy or thighs, it’s all round confidence in how you look from your glasses to your hair colour, etc. I got a huge confidence boost dying my hair red and going back to my favourite fashion style. I’m a punk chick who loves jeans, band t shirts, and leather jackets with boots and that’s how I like it. 
Moral of the story, don’t be afraid to dress/look the way you want. You do what makes YOU happy! 

– Amy x

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care.