Schizoaffective

Re diagnosed as having Schizoaffective disorder. It is a mix of some form of schizophrenia and mood disorders. So it’s like a clusterfuck of shit bits everywhere in every fucking direction and I researched it and NO WONDER I’m not getting better. I was being treated for Paranoid Schizophrenia and BPD. I’m now going into a planned admission for a long while around 2 months long. I need my medications tampered with. I’m starting with lowering the anti depressant because it does absolutely jack diddly squat for anxiety or depression and I have to come off my anti psychotic because it’s used my general psychoses and psychotic symptoms and it’s a run of the mill kinda one not really specified to any particular illness just general symptoms of psychosis. 

160mg of Ziprasidone a day (one 80mg tablet morning and night)

100mg of Prestique (one tablet in the morning) 

1800mg of Lithium (two 450mg tablets morningand night)

1mg benztropine (one tablet at night)

100mg of Seroquel (one tablet at night)

Also looking at going back of Largactil for sleep instead of seroquel. Perhaps temazepam. Not sure yet. One step at a time. Also the replacement antipsychotic will be Clozapine most likely. I have a list of tablets I actually haven’t tried and need to give it to the doctor and decide which to try. 

Tomorrow I set the date when I go in. Nervous as hell.

Also the Australian in me is strong as you can probably tell haha.

– Amy xx

P.s. what medications are you guys on if you are and what dose and what for? Curious is all 🙂 

Body Positive #2

Being body positive isn’t necessarily about your tummy or thighs, it’s all round confidence in how you look from your glasses to your hair colour, etc. I got a huge confidence boost dying my hair red and going back to my favourite fashion style. I’m a punk chick who loves jeans, band t shirts, and leather jackets with boots and that’s how I like it. 
Moral of the story, don’t be afraid to dress/look the way you want. You do what makes YOU happy! 

– Amy x

Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care. 

The Road to Recovery

It’s a long hard road with lots of twists and turns and bumps and potholes and speed bumps, sometimes you even fall backwards a few steps.

The length of the road scares people, including myself. It seems so far away but it reality you aren’t walking, you are driving and you will get there when you are meant to.

The twists and turns are challenging you and your will power to keep going and get back on the straight path.

The speed bumps are there to slow you down because after step on this road needs to planned and you have to be ready to move forward. The speed bumps slow you down so you can think about the next steps.

You might fall into a hole sometimes, but that is testing your strength. With this step you prove you have the ability and power to lift yourself up and keep going.

Going up a hill is another challenge. Rolling backwards to the bottom is a part of the journey. No matter who you are, there will always be a time when you back peddle. That is OK. 

Everyone can get over the hill, even if it feels like a mountain. Everyone can recover. It’s a matter of determination and effort.

– Amy xx

Go For It

Any questions about life, issues, politics, point of views, ect… ask/ tell me!

Panic! At The Hospo

The psychiatrist at the mother baby unit wants to have a huge meeting with all my supports. He wants to take me off Ziprasidone and put me on something he thinks will suit and help my symptoms more. It’s an anit psychotic and a mood stablished. But the wants me in the community to do it. 

I’m not good at coming off meds in hospital let alone doing it at home. He wants to send me home and come back to the mother baby unit I’m in. My mum isn’t going to be happy. Pretty sure I know this is where it’s going to end.

I’m going to have to go back to into a normal adult ward. The Dr also said it will take a month to get shit sorted so I hope I’m not in there for that long. 
My anxiety about the meeting is going nuts. Not knowing what’s going to happen is also contributing to that. 

Just gotta play the game. 

-Amy xx

The Cat Effect

Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back. The cat killed the bat. The rat ate the bat whilst the cat was enjoying the comfort of his sleep mat. In the end the poor cat just wanted a pat.

The cat needed attention, he thrives off the resurrection. Thus leading from the satisfaction to the interaction.

Cause and affect had nothing but the black cat to suspect. The cat got curious and what he found made him furious. The cat was hurt as he realized his life was dirt.

So he took his life. Leaving behind his kids and wife. Thus to start the whole cycle again.

Curiosity killed the cat.

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… 😉 nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog 🙂

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x

M&M

Motherhood and Mentalhealth.

I love being a mum. I have the most beautiful baby boy. It’s hard work though. I didn’t really contemplate having a baby so young but I don’t regret it. 

I know this is awful but it’s taking a toll on my mental health issues. Being a mother, that’s is. I’m just not coping as well as I had thought I would. I’m starting to feel suicidal. Not planning to harm or go through with my thoughts. I don’t even make plans. It’s just the feeling of, “If I get hit by a car or struck by lighting today, that’s wouldn’t be so bad.” I feel suicidal. Like wishing that I hadn’t survived my OD’s. Not planning to kill myself.

The urge to cut or burn myself is getting noticeably stronger everyday. It takes all my will power to not go grab a blade or heat something up to burn. It’s not just self harm thoughts, it’s literally an urge. I can’t stop thinking about it. 

I love my son, with everything I am. But I’m getting very unwell. I can’t go to a general adult ward because I don’t want to put the pressure on my mum and dad to take care of my baby when they have 3 other kids to look after. But the wait list for a mums and bubs unit is so long I don’t know if I can make it that long without intensive help. 

-Amy x

Sleepwalker

I have been sleepwalking a lot lately. I don’t remember any of it but my parents tell me when I do it. I used to do it heaps but I thought I was over it. Apparently not.  I still wake up to check if everyone is still in the house and sometimes I just roam around talking or silent, doesn’t matter it just happens and I’m terrified because I have no clue what I’m doing. If I take extra sleep meds I sleep too soundly and don’t wake up to my baby. I’m kind of mentally falling apart. I hope the mums and bubs psych ward helps. I’m running out of ideas and ways to help stay sane.

-Amy x