Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care. 

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Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Panic! At The Hospo

The psychiatrist at the mother baby unit wants to have a huge meeting with all my supports. He wants to take me off Ziprasidone and put me on something he thinks will suit and help my symptoms more. It’s an anit psychotic and a mood stablished. But the wants me in the community to do it. 

I’m not good at coming off meds in hospital let alone doing it at home. He wants to send me home and come back to the mother baby unit I’m in. My mum isn’t going to be happy. Pretty sure I know this is where it’s going to end.

I’m going to have to go back to into a normal adult ward. The Dr also said it will take a month to get shit sorted so I hope I’m not in there for that long. 
My anxiety about the meeting is going nuts. Not knowing what’s going to happen is also contributing to that. 

Just gotta play the game. 

-Amy xx

Mental Health

A patient Inpatient 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x

Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Before I Go Again

Quick fill in, I have been self harm clean since March 2016. I’m still holding strong on that. I have been inpatient admission free for a year this month. I have had a baby, Alexander 🙂 

I’m being admitted into a psych ward I haven’t been in before since I have moved interstate. I don’t know the staff or my way around and I’m break my 1 year streak and I feel so fucking depressed and pathetic. I’m going to an adult ward until I can get into a mums and bubs psych unit. 

I tried to cope without help, I really did. I convinced myself I would never have to be an inpatient ever again. My psychiatrist told me it was an “unrealistic” goal for someone like me. 

I feel like a failure 😦 

But I want to be a better person so I can be a better mum to my son. I am complying with everything the Drs want me to do to reach my goal of being an independent mother! 

I AM DETERMINED!

-Amy x