Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

5 degrees of Recovery

I personally put together the five stages in which my recovery has and will go through. Not sure about anybody else but this is my theory of recovering in stages. 
Stage one is flailing and reaching breaking point, a hypothetical self destruct button that your brain pushes when things are overwhelming. I think a lot of people have this self destruct button for when things get overwhelming. It pushes itself and we blow up and do anything to cope with the pieces that go missing and can’t be retrieved.
Stage two is finding the pieces and accepting some are so lost you will never get them back. Picking yourself up. The only way to go from rock bottom, is up.
Stage three would be finding good pieces that might not be the same but they will do the trick to replace the holes missing. You will never be the same, but you have to work with it. Medication at this point would be a good aid.
Stage four would be starting to fix and glue yourself and putting all the parts back together. This is where all the therapy to work with medication to eventually function without the meds.
The last stage is self love and acceptance. You might never be the same but you fixed yourself the best you can, better than anyone else could and you accept that and be bloody proud because god dammit it was hard to get to that stage.


I’m at stage four. It took me 5 years to get here. And no one can tell you when you move from stage four to five. It just sort of happens I assume and one day I will look back and see when it happened and I’m gonna work hard to get there šŸ™‚

Where do you lovely readers think you are? In which stage do you think? Curious to read your perspective and opinions šŸ™‚ 
-Amy x

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Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Panic! At The Hospo

The psychiatrist at the mother baby unit wants to have a huge meeting with all my supports. He wants to take me off Ziprasidone and put me on something he thinks will suit and help my symptoms more. It’s an anit psychotic and a mood stablished. But the wants me in the community to do it. 

I’m not good at coming off meds in hospital let alone doing it at home. He wants to send me home and come back to the mother baby unit I’m in. My mum isn’t going to be happy. Pretty sure I know this is where it’s going to end.

I’m going to have to go back to into a normal adult ward. The Dr also said it will take a month to get shit sorted so I hope I’m not in there for that long. 
My anxiety about the meeting is going nuts. Not knowing what’s going to happen is also contributing to that. 

Just gotta play the game. 

-Amy xx

Mental Health

A patient InpatientĀ 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x

Mental Health

Early HallucinationsĀ 

Hallucinations are hard to handle at the best of times let alone when nobody knows. 

People asked me why I dropped out of school in grade 10. It’s easier for me to say, “School just wasn’t easy for me.” But in reality, my Hallucinations were too bad to continue functioning. 

People would move their mouth to talk but their voice didn’t come out, it was a low demonic voice. The words on the white board and text book with rearrange to tell me to kill myself or other awful things.

I got in trouble a lot for not paying attention. It’s hard to focus when your teachers head in rotating in a 360 degree circle. Their eyes would pop out and fall on the floor or their arm or leg would start decaying and just fall off. Sometimes their jaws unhinged and their eyes went missing. If they were talking to me sometimes their tongues would fall out of their mouths. It wasn’t just at school though.

Some days when it’s time for bed I would walk into my room and I would see all my friends dead bodies covering every inch of my carpet and it smelt so disgusting. I had to climb over them to get to my bed and I could hear and feel them squishing beneath my feet. 

I also had a problem with getting out of bed. I always saw crocodiles swimming in my liquified carpet. I ended up thinking my dad was a cyborg.

Well… that’s part of what I used to deal with. 

-Amy x

Mental Health

Sleepwalker

I have been sleepwalking a lot lately. I don’t remember any of it but my parents tell me when I do it. I used to do it heaps but I thought I was over it. Apparently not.  I still wake up to check if everyone is still in the house and sometimes I just roam around talking or silent, doesn’t matter it just happens and I’m terrified because I have no clue what I’m doing. If I take extra sleep meds I sleep too soundly and don’t wake up to my baby. I’m kind of mentally falling apart. I hope the mums and bubs psych ward helps. I’m running out of ideas and ways to help stay sane.

-Amy x