Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

5 degrees of Recovery

I personally put together the five stages in which my recovery has and will go through. Not sure about anybody else but this is my theory of recovering in stages. 
Stage one is flailing and reaching breaking point, a hypothetical self destruct button that your brain pushes when things are overwhelming. I think a lot of people have this self destruct button for when things get overwhelming. It pushes itself and we blow up and do anything to cope with the pieces that go missing and can’t be retrieved.
Stage two is finding the pieces and accepting some are so lost you will never get them back. Picking yourself up. The only way to go from rock bottom, is up.
Stage three would be finding good pieces that might not be the same but they will do the trick to replace the holes missing. You will never be the same, but you have to work with it. Medication at this point would be a good aid.
Stage four would be starting to fix and glue yourself and putting all the parts back together. This is where all the therapy to work with medication to eventually function without the meds.
The last stage is self love and acceptance. You might never be the same but you fixed yourself the best you can, better than anyone else could and you accept that and be bloody proud because god dammit it was hard to get to that stage.


I’m at stage four. It took me 5 years to get here. And no one can tell you when you move from stage four to five. It just sort of happens I assume and one day I will look back and see when it happened and I’m gonna work hard to get there 🙂

Where do you lovely readers think you are? In which stage do you think? Curious to read your perspective and opinions 🙂 
-Amy x

Mental Health, Mental Illnesses, Philosophy, Uncategorized

The Road to Recovery

It’s a long hard road with lots of twists and turns and bumps and potholes and speed bumps, sometimes you even fall backwards a few steps.

The length of the road scares people, including myself. It seems so far away but it reality you aren’t walking, you are driving and you will get there when you are meant to.

The twists and turns are challenging you and your will power to keep going and get back on the straight path.

The speed bumps are there to slow you down because after step on this road needs to planned and you have to be ready to move forward. The speed bumps slow you down so you can think about the next steps.

You might fall into a hole sometimes, but that is testing your strength. With this step you prove you have the ability and power to lift yourself up and keep going.

Going up a hill is another challenge. Rolling backwards to the bottom is a part of the journey. No matter who you are, there will always be a time when you back peddle. That is OK. 

Everyone can get over the hill, even if it feels like a mountain. Everyone can recover. It’s a matter of determination and effort.

– Amy xx

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… 😉 nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog 🙂

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x

Mental Health

Early Hallucinations 

Hallucinations are hard to handle at the best of times let alone when nobody knows. 

People asked me why I dropped out of school in grade 10. It’s easier for me to say, “School just wasn’t easy for me.” But in reality, my Hallucinations were too bad to continue functioning. 

People would move their mouth to talk but their voice didn’t come out, it was a low demonic voice. The words on the white board and text book with rearrange to tell me to kill myself or other awful things.

I got in trouble a lot for not paying attention. It’s hard to focus when your teachers head in rotating in a 360 degree circle. Their eyes would pop out and fall on the floor or their arm or leg would start decaying and just fall off. Sometimes their jaws unhinged and their eyes went missing. If they were talking to me sometimes their tongues would fall out of their mouths. It wasn’t just at school though.

Some days when it’s time for bed I would walk into my room and I would see all my friends dead bodies covering every inch of my carpet and it smelt so disgusting. I had to climb over them to get to my bed and I could hear and feel them squishing beneath my feet. 

I also had a problem with getting out of bed. I always saw crocodiles swimming in my liquified carpet. I ended up thinking my dad was a cyborg.

Well… that’s part of what I used to deal with. 

-Amy x

Mental Health

Paranoid Activity

The first and biggest thing I am paranoid about, is people/demons are out to get me and my family. Sometimes when I am in A psychotic episode, I am convinced even my family is trying to kill me or feed me to demons. I used to cleanse my room with white sage and put warding crystals in my room to kill demons if they dare enter. 

I hate germs. I can’t push elevator buttons. It makes me feel like puking just thinking about it. I don’t hold escalator rails or shopping trolleys without having hand sanitizer nearby so I can use it after touching it. I don’t let my young siblings play with toys in the Drs waiting room because that’s just asking for diseases.

I always think people are staring at me and talking about me. I will literally hear my name and see them staring and then laughing. 

For two years I woke up every two hours, if I even slept in between, I unlocked and locked every window and door with a key. Like clockwork I got up every two hours to do it. 

Due to events, I sleep with a metal crowbar and a wooden axe handle under my bed.

It took me years to make these behaviors less detrimental in my life. If I went to a new friends how I never ate anything off their plates or left overs that I hadn’t seen be cooked. If I was there for two days, I wouldn’t eat for those two days. 

I used to believe that the government was trying to poison me through vitamins and minerals tablets. It sounds ridiculous when I say it aloud. 

If I haven’t had a text from mum or dad for two hours and they are both out, I start thinking something has gone wrong and expecting a call from a hospital because they have been robbed or in a car accident or they were victims of terror attacks. 

That’s about it… anyway what are you guys paranoid about? 

-Amy x