Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Good? Yeah, nah. 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My anxiety is going through the roof. My panic attacks are getting more intense and harder to get out of. 

My eating disorder is re emerging. I’m starting a fruit and vegetable diet. Strictly healthy, mostly 0 calorie foods. Even if they have calories max has to be 100 per item, maybe some yogurt, max 150 cal per yogurt though. And im going to buy a sports bra because my boobs are way too big to run without one haha. But I will lose weight and I will be happy with my body no matter what it takes. I get really anxious having to eat junk food in front of people. The odd junk meal here and there is acceptable, any more and I might have to start purging again. And anything more that a 1000 cal intake I have to burn off. I am sick of being fat. I’ve got 15kgs to lose to even accept my body as “normal”. I am realistically aiming for 5kgs a month. That’s with running 2 times a day and toning exercises. I will get my skinny body back, I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. 

I start next week, I have already eaten and drank so much junk. And I don’t have a sports bra yet and good running shoes. 

-Amy xx

This is me currently. I still have my baby pouch and this just disgusts me

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Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care. 

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… 😉 nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog 🙂

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x