Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

5 degrees of Recovery

I personally put together the five stages in which my recovery has and will go through. Not sure about anybody else but this is my theory of recovering in stages. 
Stage one is flailing and reaching breaking point, a hypothetical self destruct button that your brain pushes when things are overwhelming. I think a lot of people have this self destruct button for when things get overwhelming. It pushes itself and we blow up and do anything to cope with the pieces that go missing and can’t be retrieved.
Stage two is finding the pieces and accepting some are so lost you will never get them back. Picking yourself up. The only way to go from rock bottom, is up.
Stage three would be finding good pieces that might not be the same but they will do the trick to replace the holes missing. You will never be the same, but you have to work with it. Medication at this point would be a good aid.
Stage four would be starting to fix and glue yourself and putting all the parts back together. This is where all the therapy to work with medication to eventually function without the meds.
The last stage is self love and acceptance. You might never be the same but you fixed yourself the best you can, better than anyone else could and you accept that and be bloody proud because god dammit it was hard to get to that stage.


I’m at stage four. It took me 5 years to get here. And no one can tell you when you move from stage four to five. It just sort of happens I assume and one day I will look back and see when it happened and I’m gonna work hard to get there ๐Ÿ™‚

Where do you lovely readers think you are? In which stage do you think? Curious to read your perspective and opinions ๐Ÿ™‚ 
-Amy x

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Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Good? Yeah, nah.ย 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My anxiety is going through the roof. My panic attacks are getting more intense and harder to get out of. 

My eating disorder is re emerging. I’m starting a fruit and vegetable diet. Strictly healthy, mostly 0 calorie foods. Even if they have calories max has to be 100 per item, maybe some yogurt, max 150 cal per yogurt though. And im going to buy a sports bra because my boobs are way too big to run without one haha. But I will lose weight and I will be happy with my body no matter what it takes. I get really anxious having to eat junk food in front of people. The odd junk meal here and there is acceptable, any more and I might have to start purging again. And anything more that a 1000 cal intake I have to burn off. I am sick of being fat. I’ve got 15kgs to lose to even accept my body as “normal”. I am realistically aiming for 5kgs a month. That’s with running 2 times a day and toning exercises. I will get my skinny body back, I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. 

I start next week, I have already eaten and drank so much junk. And I don’t have a sports bra yet and good running shoes. 

-Amy xx

This is me currently. I still have my baby pouch and this just disgusts me

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… ๐Ÿ˜‰ nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog ๐Ÿ™‚

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x

Mental Health

A patient Inpatientย 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x

Mental Health

The Purge

I have struggled with Bulimia since I was twelve. My nan kept saying how big I was and how I wasn’t in the “light weight” category. And people used to make fun of my baby fat in bikinis. So I starting not eating but I got so hungry I would eat everything and anything in sight. I looked up on the computer ways to lose weight and a blog about bulimia came up and I read that she made herself vomit all the food up. I tried it and it was horrible but as I got older and more fixated on weight loss I got used to purging and that started my binge/purge cycle. I’m still struggling with my weight and I was I could purge. I put on so much weight during pregnancy and afterwards.  I always feel fat and gross and I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to shoot myself. 

I just want to be skinny ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

-Amy x