hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Schizoaffective 

Re diagnosed as having Schizoaffective disorder. It is a mix of some form of schizophrenia and mood disorders. So it’s like a clusterfuck of shit bits everywhere in every fucking direction and I researched it and NO WONDER I’m not getting better. I was being treated for Paranoid Schizophrenia and BPD. I’m now going into a planned admission for a long while around 2 months long. I need my medications tampered with. I’m starting with lowering the anti depressant because it does absolutely jack diddly squat for anxiety or depression and I have to come off my anti psychotic because it’s used my general psychoses and psychotic symptoms and it’s a run of the mill kinda one not really specified to any particular illness just general symptoms of psychosis. 

160mg of Ziprasidone a day (one 80mg tablet morning and night)

100mg of Prestique (one tablet in the morning) 

1800mg of Lithium (two 450mg tablets morningand night)

1mg benztropine (one tablet at night)

100mg of Seroquel (one tablet at night)

Also looking at going back of Largactil for sleep instead of seroquel. Perhaps temazepam. Not sure yet. One step at a time. Also the replacement antipsychotic will be Clozapine most likely. I have a list of tablets I actually haven’t tried and need to give it to the doctor and decide which to try. 

Tomorrow I set the date when I go in. Nervous as hell.

Also the Australian in me is strong as you can probably tell haha.

– Amy xx

P.s. what medications are you guys on if you are and what dose and what for? Curious is all 🙂 

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Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

5 degrees of Recovery

I personally put together the five stages in which my recovery has and will go through. Not sure about anybody else but this is my theory of recovering in stages. 
Stage one is flailing and reaching breaking point, a hypothetical self destruct button that your brain pushes when things are overwhelming. I think a lot of people have this self destruct button for when things get overwhelming. It pushes itself and we blow up and do anything to cope with the pieces that go missing and can’t be retrieved.
Stage two is finding the pieces and accepting some are so lost you will never get them back. Picking yourself up. The only way to go from rock bottom, is up.
Stage three would be finding good pieces that might not be the same but they will do the trick to replace the holes missing. You will never be the same, but you have to work with it. Medication at this point would be a good aid.
Stage four would be starting to fix and glue yourself and putting all the parts back together. This is where all the therapy to work with medication to eventually function without the meds.
The last stage is self love and acceptance. You might never be the same but you fixed yourself the best you can, better than anyone else could and you accept that and be bloody proud because god dammit it was hard to get to that stage.


I’m at stage four. It took me 5 years to get here. And no one can tell you when you move from stage four to five. It just sort of happens I assume and one day I will look back and see when it happened and I’m gonna work hard to get there 🙂

Where do you lovely readers think you are? In which stage do you think? Curious to read your perspective and opinions 🙂 
-Amy x

Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Body Positive #2

Being body positive isn’t necessarily about your tummy or thighs, it’s all round confidence in how you look from your glasses to your hair colour, etc. I got a huge confidence boost dying my hair red and going back to my favourite fashion style. I’m a punk chick who loves jeans, band t shirts, and leather jackets with boots and that’s how I like it. 
Moral of the story, don’t be afraid to dress/look the way you want. You do what makes YOU happy! 

– Amy x

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care. 

Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… 😉 nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog 🙂

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x

Mental Health

A patient Inpatient 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x

Mental Health

Early Hallucinations 

Hallucinations are hard to handle at the best of times let alone when nobody knows. 

People asked me why I dropped out of school in grade 10. It’s easier for me to say, “School just wasn’t easy for me.” But in reality, my Hallucinations were too bad to continue functioning. 

People would move their mouth to talk but their voice didn’t come out, it was a low demonic voice. The words on the white board and text book with rearrange to tell me to kill myself or other awful things.

I got in trouble a lot for not paying attention. It’s hard to focus when your teachers head in rotating in a 360 degree circle. Their eyes would pop out and fall on the floor or their arm or leg would start decaying and just fall off. Sometimes their jaws unhinged and their eyes went missing. If they were talking to me sometimes their tongues would fall out of their mouths. It wasn’t just at school though.

Some days when it’s time for bed I would walk into my room and I would see all my friends dead bodies covering every inch of my carpet and it smelt so disgusting. I had to climb over them to get to my bed and I could hear and feel them squishing beneath my feet. 

I also had a problem with getting out of bed. I always saw crocodiles swimming in my liquified carpet. I ended up thinking my dad was a cyborg.

Well… that’s part of what I used to deal with. 

-Amy x