Patient Inpatient #3

So much has happened. The doctor went behind my back and called child safety on me even though I’m in a ward and haven’t had one meltdown and I’m doing everything they ask but they are continuously fucking me over. I’m trying so hard to get better. Isn’t that enough? I am on the verge of screaming and smashing my head through a wall. I might as well as the fucking child safety dont count me as stable anyway. 

I have never wanted to die this much since before I was pregnant. 

If I get hit by a truck today I literally wouldn’t care. 

M&M

Motherhood and Mentalhealth.

I love being a mum. I have the most beautiful baby boy. It’s hard work though. I didn’t really contemplate having a baby so young but I don’t regret it. 

I know this is awful but it’s taking a toll on my mental health issues. Being a mother, that’s is. I’m just not coping as well as I had thought I would. I’m starting to feel suicidal. Not planning to harm or go through with my thoughts. I don’t even make plans. It’s just the feeling of, “If I get hit by a car or struck by lighting today, that’s wouldn’t be so bad.” I feel suicidal. Like wishing that I hadn’t survived my OD’s. Not planning to kill myself.

The urge to cut or burn myself is getting noticeably stronger everyday. It takes all my will power to not go grab a blade or heat something up to burn. It’s not just self harm thoughts, it’s literally an urge. I can’t stop thinking about it. 

I love my son, with everything I am. But I’m getting very unwell. I can’t go to a general adult ward because I don’t want to put the pressure on my mum and dad to take care of my baby when they have 3 other kids to look after. But the wait list for a mums and bubs unit is so long I don’t know if I can make it that long without intensive help. 

-Amy x