Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Good? Yeah, nah. 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My anxiety is going through the roof. My panic attacks are getting more intense and harder to get out of. 

My eating disorder is re emerging. I’m starting a fruit and vegetable diet. Strictly healthy, mostly 0 calorie foods. Even if they have calories max has to be 100 per item, maybe some yogurt, max 150 cal per yogurt though. And im going to buy a sports bra because my boobs are way too big to run without one haha. But I will lose weight and I will be happy with my body no matter what it takes. I get really anxious having to eat junk food in front of people. The odd junk meal here and there is acceptable, any more and I might have to start purging again. And anything more that a 1000 cal intake I have to burn off. I am sick of being fat. I’ve got 15kgs to lose to even accept my body as “normal”. I am realistically aiming for 5kgs a month. That’s with running 2 times a day and toning exercises. I will get my skinny body back, I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. 

I start next week, I have already eaten and drank so much junk. And I don’t have a sports bra yet and good running shoes. 

-Amy xx

This is me currently. I still have my baby pouch and this just disgusts me

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Mental Health

A patient Inpatient 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x