Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Good? Yeah, nah. 

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My anxiety is going through the roof. My panic attacks are getting more intense and harder to get out of. 

My eating disorder is re emerging. I’m starting a fruit and vegetable diet. Strictly healthy, mostly 0 calorie foods. Even if they have calories max has to be 100 per item, maybe some yogurt, max 150 cal per yogurt though. And im going to buy a sports bra because my boobs are way too big to run without one haha. But I will lose weight and I will be happy with my body no matter what it takes. I get really anxious having to eat junk food in front of people. The odd junk meal here and there is acceptable, any more and I might have to start purging again. And anything more that a 1000 cal intake I have to burn off. I am sick of being fat. I’ve got 15kgs to lose to even accept my body as “normal”. I am realistically aiming for 5kgs a month. That’s with running 2 times a day and toning exercises. I will get my skinny body back, I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. 

I start next week, I have already eaten and drank so much junk. And I don’t have a sports bra yet and good running shoes. 

-Amy xx

This is me currently. I still have my baby pouch and this just disgusts me

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Mental Health

The Purge

I have struggled with Bulimia since I was twelve. My nan kept saying how big I was and how I wasn’t in the “light weight” category. And people used to make fun of my baby fat in bikinis. So I starting not eating but I got so hungry I would eat everything and anything in sight. I looked up on the computer ways to lose weight and a blog about bulimia came up and I read that she made herself vomit all the food up. I tried it and it was horrible but as I got older and more fixated on weight loss I got used to purging and that started my binge/purge cycle. I’m still struggling with my weight and I was I could purge. I put on so much weight during pregnancy and afterwards.  I always feel fat and gross and I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to shoot myself. 

I just want to be skinny 😦

-Amy x