Borderline personality disorder, Eating Disorders, hospital, Mental Health, Mental Illnesses

Patient Inpatient #2

It’s almost been 7 days as an inpatient. I’m finding it beneficial for me and Alexanders sleep patterns. With a little help he can settle himself and go to sleep by himself. 

The nurses are lovely here. The other mummy’s are nice as well. I’m the youngest hear though haha. 

Don’t Judge me but I am 85.2kgs. In the past 2 months I have lost 6kgs. I’ve started running again and exercising so even if I eat junk I can just run it off or even some of it. 

My legs are sore from hill sprints yesterday. But I need to cardio to burn calories so I just gotta push through the pain. I have 5kgs to my next goal. 

I have to set small goals so I don’t overwhelm myself. 

Anyway, tell me about yourself and your issues! Start a convo I don’t bite! Hard… šŸ˜‰ nah, I just want to hear what it’s like for you and why you followed my blog šŸ™‚

Thanks lovely people!

-Amy x

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Mental Health

A patient InpatientĀ 

I’m currently in a mother baby psych unit. If i was doing will, it would pretty much be a holiday. I have my own room with Alexander and it’s massive! I get a couch bassinet, double bed and closets. The food is much better than QLD hospital food. This stuff is actually edible. I’m back on Valium and I’m a bit dopey in the morning and at night. I try not to use it during the day so I can stay awake and alert. 

It’s going to be a bit easier to lose weight in here. There aren’t a lot of temptations and it’s going to be easier to exercise. I’ve got 2 or so weeks to lose at least 2 kgs or more. If I don’t eat too much I’m thinking about purging it. 

Hopefully I can start to curb the binge eating habits so I wouldn’t have to purge. 

I’ve been an inpatient 31 times including this admission. The difference in mental health programs and facilities of QLD to VIC is crazy. There is nothing like this for women who have a baby and need help around both themselves and coping with the baby while dealing with symptoms 

That’s all for now.

– Amy x

Mental Health

M&M

Motherhood and Mentalhealth.

I love being a mum. I have the most beautiful baby boy. It’s hard work though. I didn’t really contemplate having a baby so young but I don’t regret it. 

I know this is awful but it’s taking a toll on my mental health issues. Being a mother, that’s is. I’m just not coping as well as I had thought I would. I’m starting to feel suicidal. Not planning to harm or go through with my thoughts. I don’t even make plans. It’s just the feeling of, “If I get hit by a car or struck by lighting today, that’s wouldn’t be so bad.” I feel suicidal. Like wishing that I hadn’t survived my OD’s. Not planning to kill myself.

The urge to cut or burn myself is getting noticeably stronger everyday. It takes all my will power to not go grab a blade or heat something up to burn. It’s not just self harm thoughts, it’s literally an urge. I can’t stop thinking about it. 

I love my son, with everything I am. But I’m getting very unwell. I can’t go to a general adult ward because I don’t want to put the pressure on my mum and dad to take care of my baby when they have 3 other kids to look after. But the wait list for a mums and bubs unit is so long I don’t know if I can make it that long without intensive help. 

-Amy x

Mental Health

Early HallucinationsĀ 

Hallucinations are hard to handle at the best of times let alone when nobody knows. 

People asked me why I dropped out of school in grade 10. It’s easier for me to say, “School just wasn’t easy for me.” But in reality, my Hallucinations were too bad to continue functioning. 

People would move their mouth to talk but their voice didn’t come out, it was a low demonic voice. The words on the white board and text book with rearrange to tell me to kill myself or other awful things.

I got in trouble a lot for not paying attention. It’s hard to focus when your teachers head in rotating in a 360 degree circle. Their eyes would pop out and fall on the floor or their arm or leg would start decaying and just fall off. Sometimes their jaws unhinged and their eyes went missing. If they were talking to me sometimes their tongues would fall out of their mouths. It wasn’t just at school though.

Some days when it’s time for bed I would walk into my room and I would see all my friends dead bodies covering every inch of my carpet and it smelt so disgusting. I had to climb over them to get to my bed and I could hear and feel them squishing beneath my feet. 

I also had a problem with getting out of bed. I always saw crocodiles swimming in my liquified carpet. I ended up thinking my dad was a cyborg.

Well… that’s part of what I used to deal with. 

-Amy x

Mental Health

Sleepwalker

I have been sleepwalking a lot lately. I don’t remember any of it but my parents tell me when I do it. I used to do it heaps but I thought I was over it. Apparently not.  I still wake up to check if everyone is still in the house and sometimes I just roam around talking or silent, doesn’t matter it just happens and I’m terrified because I have no clue what I’m doing. If I take extra sleep meds I sleep too soundly and don’t wake up to my baby. I’m kind of mentally falling apart. I hope the mums and bubs psych ward helps. I’m running out of ideas and ways to help stay sane.

-Amy x

Mental Health

The Purge

I have struggled with Bulimia since I was twelve. My nan kept saying how big I was and how I wasn’t in the “light weight” category. And people used to make fun of my baby fat in bikinis. So I starting not eating but I got so hungry I would eat everything and anything in sight. I looked up on the computer ways to lose weight and a blog about bulimia came up and I read that she made herself vomit all the food up. I tried it and it was horrible but as I got older and more fixated on weight loss I got used to purging and that started my binge/purge cycle. I’m still struggling with my weight and I was I could purge. I put on so much weight during pregnancy and afterwards.  I always feel fat and gross and I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to shoot myself. 

I just want to be skinny šŸ˜¦

-Amy x