Mental Health

Cold realisation of the world with PTSD

**TRIGGER WARNING**

**RAPE AND VIOLENCE**

I will start off with the first thing I remember I got PTSD from. I was five years old and got molested by my preschool friend and her older sister. They said playing doctors would be fun, but it wasn’t. I had to take off my pants and lay down. I asked them not to touch me because it’s gross but the girls kept touching and putting things inside and I was told to shut up if I started crying. From that day on I never went anywhere without my mum or dad. I was scared of hospitals and general practitioners, even dentists. Going to primary school was hard at first, because I didn’t feel safe. 

The next incident happened when I was in 3rd grade. My regular school bully thought it would be funny to sit behind me on the bus and wrap a plastic bag around my face and choke me until I passed out. I was terrified to ride the bus to get home. My parents were very understanding and never made me catch  a bus again until I was ready. 

I had my innocence taken from me on my 14th birthday by some drunk Middle aged man who was lurking in the girls bathroom at the skating rink I had my party at. I went to the toilet after nearly everyone at the rink went home. Dad was late to pick me up. I went to the toilet and told my friend who staid with me to wait outside to look out for my dad. When I got in the bathroom and did my thing and went to wash my hands I saw this guy in the mirror race up behind me and grabbed me to throw me onto the floor and I bit him and kicked him but he just hit me back and raped me. It was awful, I didn’t sleep for months and I started believing he was a demon and I had demons after me. I became paranoid and obsessive over making sure no one could get in my house. I would shower 3-6 times a day and I had to wear long clothes not just to hide self harm but I used to scrub my skin till it was raw because I felt so filthy. I would have nightmares and flash backs. 

When I was 15, I had my first boyfriend. He was an abusive asshole. He used to beat me but only left marks where my clothes would cover. I said I wouldn’t have sex with him because I wasn’t ready so he beat my with a crickey bat. He broke two ribs on one side and one on the other. I put a DVO on him after that. But that doesn’t take the scars away from him putting his cigarettes out on my back. Still to this day I flinch when men put their hand up near me for a hi-five. I don’t trust anyone easily anymore. I used to get punished for being “weak”. And not in the kinky way.

I made a really good friend later that year and thought I could trust him. Boy was I wrong. He believed in demons too and I believed he was possessed. He made me cut his “demon” name into my leg or his demon with hurt someone I care about. He then told me if I didn’t sleep with him, his demon would kill him. I agreed to do it. He took me out to a forest area and pulled out a knife and tried to slit my throat but I had been training in MMA and I got the knife off him and he chased me further into the woods until I hid and watched him run past so I ran up behind him and stabbed him in the leg so he couldn’t walk and I could get away.  I had to make sure he never looked at me again or tried to mess with me. I did something I’m not proud to admit but it was sickly satisfying. Nothing grossly sexual, I just hurt him very bad.

When I was 17 I went to a party and got rufied and date raped. I was so drugged I couldn’t feel my body. 

That’s an outline of what caused my PTSD. I will post more about what influence it had on my choices and decisions soon.

-Amy x

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1 thought on “Cold realisation of the world with PTSD”

  1. My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry you had so much trauma in such a short time. Thank you for sharing your story though. Sharing our stories I firmly believe helps. Helps us get it out and helps let the asswhipe abusers know we are talking about it and we will keep talking about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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