Mental Health

When BPD Kicks In

I developed BPD when I was fourteen. It really kicked in when I got PTSD from being raped and sexually assaulted. I started self harming too. I had a huge guilt complex. Anything that happened I took it to heart and punished myself. It made me make irrational decisions like getting drunk, doing drugs, unprotected sex and so on. My moods were all up and down but on a massive scale. I would go from being manic high to manic low and the highs are very high and the lows are very low. I was fifteen when I made my first attempt to kill myself. There is a certain level of self hatred you need to have to want to kill yourself for someone else’s benefit. Not a lot of people will ever understand that. I always felt unloved, alone, lost, numb, empty, out of control. I started getting aggressive when I was delusional. I acted out, made more attempts on my life, cutting turned to burning. Trying new drugs. I felt like I didn’t deserve to get better, didn’t deserve help because of how awful I was to everyone.

There is never a grey area with BPD. Everything is black and white. You either have a friend, or an enemy. You passionately love and fiercely hate. There is right and wrong, good and bad and no emotions or overwhelming amount of them. 

There is no magic medication for BPD unfortunately. You can have medication for the symptoms but not for the illness itself. I am still doing therapy for it and will have to for a long time. I have been doing DBT (Diagnostic Behavioural Therapy).

I hated being confined in a hospital and I had a lot of psychotic episodes and ended up with a needle of liquid Valium in the ass and a nap in the seclusion room. I threw a spoon at the nurses head and it missed by two inches and it took a chunk out of the wall next to her head. It would have been a terrible outcome if I hadn’t of missed. 

Any questions, just ask 🙂 Thanks for reading! Xx

-Amy

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